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Grandpa from ‘hell’

Papa is here again. This time, he is in Abuja for a certain issue with his loan (don’t have full details on that) but now, he’s giving me headache.

The other day, I was chilling in the sitting room with my legs on the table and gisting with bae over the phone. Papa sat on the single sofa with his big eyeglasses and tightly wound wrapper around his waist reading the newspaper (I don’t know why he still insists on tying wrapper in 2018 *smh*).

While I talked and laughed with bae, Biodun my bosom friend walks in with his usual loud greetings… I mute the call for a moment to greet him.

“Hey guy how far na?” I sort of whispered. Biodun loudly responds “Why you dey whisper guy?”. I signal to him that I’m on a call with bae, that’s how the un-curt boy laughs loud and asks “Is it bae 1 or bae 2 bro? Later you go dey call me ‘Yoruba demon’, meanwhile you sef don dey use style become ‘Igbo demon’ fa”.

I kick him and with a laugh, we fist-bump and he made for the kitchen.

I noticed papa constantly taking the newspaper away from his face to look at me through the top of his glasses. He even sometimes shook his head from side to side. “What’s his deal?” I wonder.

I unmute the call and ended gist with bae.

As I made to stand, papa calls out “Bia, Okechukwu sit down there first”. I sat back down wondering what the problem could be this time.

“So that is how you want to useless your life okwa ya?” papa continued.

“Ha, papa what have I done again?” I asked in shock.

“Shut your mouth dia my friend! You think I’m deaf and blind? First you waste credit to call one person with such a useless name as Bé…” “Papa it’s not , it’s bae and she’s my girlfriend…” I cut in.

“Keep quiet let me finish. Children of these days with no respect for elders… ehen, as if that one is not enough, that your loud-mouthed friend that talks as if he is a sports commentator with megaphone came in here and didn’t even have the courtesy to do-baléé for me… I thought they said their people are courteous…” Papa complained on.

I interrupt again “But papa, is it not you that said he should stop lying on the ground to greet you?” to that response, papa removes his glasses and points his finger at me in a threat “Bia this boy, don’t interrupt me again.” I raise my hand in mock surrender while papa continues thrashing me.

“As if all that is not enough, you are happy to be called a demon by your friend. If you see real demon, can you stand?” he didn’t even wait for my response before lashing on – “The other time, I heard you talking on the phone with somebody about going to see Black Pant… Okechukwu, so a woman’s black pant is now what catches you fancy okwa ya?”

I burst into laughter before correcting him “Papa sorry for interrupting again. It’s not black pant – it’s Black Panther and it’s a movie”.

Papa continued as though I never even spoke “And now you and your friend are greeting with secret cult sign…”

This time, I got agitated “Papa, biko it’s just fist-bump a.k.a chop knuckles. It’s modern day greeting between buddies o.”

“All I’m saying to you Okechukwu is that you should help yourself. H-E-L-P Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F. Plan your life now that you’ve graduated so that you will not end up like me when you retire. Better get a job so that you can have a Retirement Savings Account (RSA) for your own good o. Or do you want to end up chasing loan from pillar to post like me when you get older?”

“Ha papa, end up frustrated and bitter like you? God forbid!” I responded while dodging slap in case it came.

He shot me looks that could kill before standing up, kicking my feet away from the way and picking up his newspaper to walk away.

“Stay there and be watching that thing you call Big Brother Naija everyday while your mates are getting jobs” papa hissed as he exited the room.

“Wheew! What was that?” I asked no one in particular.

“Is this how grumpy one is when they get old without a comfortable retirement plan? Abeg I can’t deal o. I gats to get a solid retirement plan once I get that my dream job”.

 

 

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